20 more weeks of hell

Alright.  I give up.  I had a good run for a few weeks.  I had to practically run another employee our of restroom.

Now, for the second time in a week, I am getting sick mid-day.  At 20 weeks pregnant.  With an 18 month old to take care of.  And a full-time job to work.

I don’t even need to look at the ultrasound picture that my dear husband has been hiding from me.  I know it’s another girl.  Won’t need to focus on boy names.  Great.  Time saved.  And if anyone else asks me, “Well what if you don’t get your boy this time, aren’t you going to try again?”…STRAIGHT TO THE MOON.

I’m not really into rooting for one gender over the other, as long as the kid is healthy and not having to spend time in the NICU.  So the answer is NO, I don’t really give a shit if our last name moves on for another generation.  If we can raise two competent (or semi competent human beings), I consider that a success.

Going for a third, in my opinion, would be like tempting fate for us.  Mike already blames me for giving him Shingles last year.  *for the record, I did not give him Shingles, though he believes that I am the reason that caused them because I am so difficult and cause him so much stress in life (in the midst of trying to take care of a colicky newborn and trying to recover from a little thing called childbirth).  I should have made labor and delivery look much more difficult, but I can tolerate pain and managed it well.  Too well.  So next time, I’m putting on much more of a show.

Long story short, a third kid would both put us in the poor house, and likely set up impending divorce because I would be able to get even less housework done than I do now (which isn’t that much, truth be told).  Call me a negative nancy, but I value my relationship with my husband.  I know there are couples out there who can/ want to do it, and maybe that will in turn make their relationship stronger.  We are not that couple.  We still want to travel (with and without kids), and we want to be able to retire at a decent age and not have to worry about kids still living with us.  And I need to get myself a more challenging job.  This job is perfect for when the kiddos are tiny humans, but once they are in full day school, I’m out.  Call me selfish, but I would expect my kids to do the same thing.  Some women are made to be stay at home moms – and more power to you.  Some women have to work to keep their sanity.  I am one of those women.

Thanks for listening to me bitch.  Fingers crossed for a better evening and few days/ weeks ahead.

PS:  I’m already listening to Christmas music and LOVING it.   It works when I’m trying to drown out the terrible music and voices of certain co-workers.

PPS:  I asked my doctor if I would be required to take the shitty glucose test again with this child since I clearly am not at risk for gestational diabetes, per my last test and pregnancy.  She said yes, absolutely.  COOL.  So I asked her if I could eat a little something beforehand this time, because I’m not really into passing out.  To my surprise, she told me yes!  But she said to keep it to things without sugar.  So, eggs, whole grain toast…things like that would be good.  Totally doing that this time.  SCREW THE GLUCOSE TEST.  DAMN THE MAN.

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18 weeks, 2 days and getting fatter by the minute

Going back to the more positive format, where I don’t bitch about everything under the sun.

eating:   Nothing sounds good aside from sandwiches.  And my new fave is nacho cheese Doritos with jalapeno cheese dip.  Super healthy, right?  I just had a craving for Fro-Yo, so I thought I’d scope out a place close by.  I arrive, and as it turns out, this place is also a well-known pizza place, they just serve Fro-Yo for fun now.  So of course, I order a slice of pizza (which is actually like half a pizza in their terms), and nearly forget about the Fro-Yo.  Had to get a separate transaction.  It was no Red Mango, but it did the job.  Just regular old vanilla with some Cinnamon Toast Crunch pieces on top.

drinking: This is the worst.  With my last pregnancy, I craved fountain Pepsi like it was being discontinued.  This time, Pepsi upsets my stomach!  And it’s not the carbonation, because I still love my Black Cherry Schweppe’s sparkling water.  So in the end, it’s probably a good thing because I don’t really need all that sugar.  But, I did take a liking to Cherry Coke from the fountain (don’t tell my husband).  I can only get that at Subway sometimes.  I also have been drinking a lot of unsweetened black iced tea with added fresh lemon.  Coffee never sounds good either, unless it is from Dunkin for some reason.

avoiding:  Anything with heavy tomato sauce again this time.  Pizza is okay as long as the cheese outweighs the sauce.  Everything bagels are bad.  Anything with onion or garlic is gross.  So many things disgust me, and so many things do not sound appetizing at all.  At least I had some mega cravings when I was pregnant with Kenzie, but it’s just hard finding food to indulge in this time around.

wearing:  Same normal clothes, complete with the belly band that I bought from the first pregnancy.  Definitely one of the best investments I’ve ever made.  It also helps me with some of the pain I have been experiencing lately.  A few weeks ago, I started to get really sore in the pelvis/ vag area (sorry for TMI, but the pain is real).  Like I felt this extreme pressure if I was standing for too long.  That never happened with Kenzie until AFTER she was born, and the doctor explained it as gravity once my body was in recovery mode.  I messaged my doctor about it, and she responded with “try a belly band or wearing bicycle shorts for more support” – which actually has worked wonders!

feeling: Pretty good.  Hoping that I don’t jinx myself.  I’m still on the Diclegis, but only at night.  Works MUCH better than shitty Zofran.  Surprisingly, my back hasn’t been bothering me as much as it did this time around as it did with Kenzie.  No heating pad necessary.  And my ribs don’t hurt yet.  I am DEFINITELY showing sooner than I did the first time.  I have a mini bump.  Had nothing with Kenzie until 20+ weeks.  And we are going to the County Line Farm to Table dinner this Saturday, so I hope I can eat as much yummy food as possible!  They should have a designated driver ticket though.  So lame that I won’t get to indulge in the craft beers.   I’m sure Mike will drink double for me.

reading: Nothing at all – no time for that.  I’m getting dumber by the day.

buying:  Ha!  Just grocery shopping.  No time for anything else.  Though we are in the market for those bed barriers.  We are trying to transition Kenzie to a big bed so that the crib will be free for baby.  Fingers crossed that this new kid likes either the Rock n’ Play or the crib.  And I hope this kid will sleep on his/ her back.  Unlike Kenzie, who would only sleep on my chest for the first six months.

sleeping: Fine once Kenzie actually gives in and goes to sleep.  The kid can go to sleep at 11 p.m. and wake up at 7 a.m. with no problem.  Who are these kids who go to sleep at 7 and sleep for 12 hours?  WTF.  Not my kid!

loving:  When I get to shower at night and I am not rushed.  Loving Kenzie too, and her little personality/ attitude.  She loves squirrels and dogs and all things wild.  She will probably be a vet.  I think we are going to get her the Doc McStuffins pet care cart for Christmas.  Each Christmas gets more exciting with her since she is starting to understand things.  And we went through the Toys R Us catalog with her, and she really points to certain things consistently!  She points to this monkey toy and then starts doing the “5 little monkeys” song motions with her hands.  So cool.  And anything Mickey or Minnie.  She’s lovely.  I’m also loving that I can already feel new baby kicking, now that I know what it feels like. Ultrasound is next week.  Election Day.

getting used to:  Working with idiots and realizing that I just have to stick this job out until the kids are in school.

Today, I am thankful for my job.

*Note – this was written a few weeks ago*

I bitch about my job a lot.  A LOT.  I generally have to deal with a lot of dumb people (both from the public side and people who work here), and a lot of drama.

But during and after pregnancy, I probably couldn’t ask for a better or more flexible job.

And let’s talk health insurance for a brief moment.  I had heard horror stories about how expensive it could be to have a baby in a hospital, even with the proper health insurance.  As in even after insurance coverage, you own hundreds, sometimes thousands.  I was preparing myself for the worst.  I had learned tricks about how you can call and ask for a discount if you pay for everything in one big payment.  Ugh.  I even prepared Mike for it.

After our fancy hospital stay (I really enjoyed it actually, aside from the lack of sleep), we got our first bill.  I assumed it was just for Kenzie or just a small part of it all.  Total amount due was $14.  Or maybe less.  I can’t really remember.  But it was for both mine and my daughter’s stay at the hospital.  Labor, delivery, hanging out for two days after in the mother baby wing…  I kept waiting for another bill to come, but it did not.  Insurance covered nearly everything.  So basically, I can never get another job until I am done having kids.  Or getting sick.   Government insurance is the best insurance.  Pay isn’t the best, but the benefits will always be worth it.  We even get a $1,000 Benny card.  You can use this card to pay for prescriptions, co-pays, or even (in my case) breast pumps!  YEAH!

Insurance details aside, I have had two rough pregnancies (so far).  Lots of nausea, lots of puking, lots of tears.  When you are feeling that sick, it’s really hard to stay motivated, no matter what your job is.  I am blessed to have an office with a door, a parking space that is incredibly close to the entrance, and a boss who is flexible with my schedule and understanding.  Things could be a lot worse for me.  There were times during my pregnancy with Kenzie when I got so sick at work that all I could do was sit in the conference room with my head on the table in the dark.  Or all I could do was sit on the ground of my office pretending to file things or read through papers.   But I got through it, and no one questioned me.  So I have to remember that.

And now, I have the luxury of leaving the office at lunch whenever I want, and spending an hour with my daughter at the babysitter’s or taking her to the park, and picking her up right at 5 p.m.   Never have to worry about overtime, or getting calls while I’m at home.

And finally, a prime example this week of why I appreciate this flexible, shitty job.

Kenzie had a fever starting on Monday.  I stayed home with her on Tuesday and brought her to the doctor.  The doctor said she believed it was the start of Hand, Foot, Mouth disease.  The only indicator was that when she looked in her mouth, she thought she saw a few blister-like things.  Plus the fever, and her lack of appetite (because maybe her throat hurt).  I ask what we can do or what medicine we can give her.  “You just have to wait it out, you can give her Tylenol for the fever.  Usually takes 3 to 5 days to run its course”….FANTASTIC.

Anyhow, I’m still not certain it was in fact hand, foot, mouth (which by the way never existed when we were kids to my knowledge, so where are these viruses coming from?!).  She doesn’t have anything on her hands, feet, or booty (no rash or anything).  Maybe we just got lucky with a very mild case or it is just a random virus.  Either way, I was able to take off Tuesday and Wednesday (very last minute) to take care of baby girl, since you cannot send her to the babysitter with an infection that could be spread to others.  My mom came over Thursday so I could go back to work, and Mike is taking off Friday.  I always get stuck taking more time off, but we will chalk it up to the fact that his job is a little more demanding than mine.  Whatever.  I’d rather be home anyhow.  BUT, I really should be saving my time now for the next baby.  Needless to say, I will be working from home more than I had to with Kenzie.

So yes, my job blows sometimes, but today, I will take it and remember that it will be worth it in the long run.  If only they had paid maternity leave.

Time to Quit and Have Babies, Right?

Well, I am utterly exhausted.  

My job has been getting worse and worse.  The projects are piling up and I have no energy when I get home.  But who is NOT overworked at my job?  We are in a terrible place financially, and everyone has high stress levels and a lack of patience.  

That being said, I have started looking for other jobs.  I so badly wanted to grow with this company.  I have been there just over a year, which is when you can start applying for other jobs within the company.  Well, because of our bad financials over the past few months, they have invoked a hiring freeze, aside from engineers, which we are in dire need of.  And we all know that I am the farthest thing from an engineer, therefore, I am screwed.  Don’t get me wrong, there was a point where I loved my job.  I do love the people I work with.  However, people still look to me as an admin. My job title is not even admin, but people assume.  I don’t generally correct them, because I don’t want them to think I’m a bitch, but maybe then it is my fault.  

I’m still young enough to start something new career-wise, but I’d really like to STAY with a company so I can collect some retirement money on a consistent basis so I am not poor if I am alone at the age of 65 (probably more like 70).  So, in my new search for jobs, I have decided that I would much prefer to quit my job and have a few babies.  Yes.  But then I realize that it would probably be beneficial to be married first.  I digress.  I realize that women are just as powerful as men in some companies, and I should be thankful that I have the opportunities to work with the people that I do, but there are so many other things that are important to me in life.  Like learning how to cook (successfully), visiting with family and friends who I wouldn’t get to see otherwise, dance, yoga….SO many things that seem more important to me.  I worry that if I keep working the way that I have been, my whole life is going to be over in the blink of an eye, and what am I going to have to show for it?  

I took a sick day today.  I genuinely am sick, I tried to make to make a doctor’s appointment an everything, but they can’t get me in until Tuesday.  

We found out that after the 1st of the year, my company will begin to charge employees $25 per month if they have a company Blackberry, and $35 per month if they have an iPhone (they are replacing all Blackberry phones with iPhones when they break anyhow).  They have lost their minds.  I’ll be giving up my cell phone at that time.  It’s going to make my job even more difficult.  I can’t even begin to tell you about the customer issues that we have over the weekends that are left for me to deal with when no one else is around.  I can’t wait to see what happens when I no longer have a cell phone through the company.  

I think it really comes down to me not believing in the executive team that is leading our organization.  The CEO has no clue what is going on within our company and cannot fathom why we are so late on so many of our commitments.  They just had a “coming to Jesus” meeting yesterday so that they could go through order-by-order with him to explain why we are so far in over our heads (and he is so far removed to know otherwise).  About a year too late.  Our company, a very well-known company, is losing credibility because our executives are overcommitting us.  

So with that, I need to make some decisions.  I am not happy.  

Time to make some changes.  

Or convince my boyfriend to let me quit and have some babies.