Crawling Around a Public Bathroom

Well, I’ve hit a new low.

I know being a mom can be gross with the spit up, poop, sticky food, projectile puke, having to retrieve toys out of the toilet, etc.  None of that really ever bothered me.  Bothers my husband more, which is hilarious to me.

So yesterday was Monday.  When I bring my daughter to school, I walk in with her, and then I take her to the potty before she walks into her classroom (we have a 45 min ride from home, so I always make her go).  There are two stalls in the girls’ bathroom.  One is a regular-sized toilet and the other is a super short toilet which is great for the littles.  Of course, they only want to use the little potty.  So we wait in line behind two others.  These kids are slow as molasses.  But that’s okay.  It’s preschool.  Who cares if you’re late to class?   Who cares if mom is later to work than usual?

So it’s finally her turn to use the potty.  She walks in, locks the door behind her.  I’m always so proud of her for being a big girl.  She’s only 4.

So she’s in there doing her thing, and then it happens.  “Mama, I need help”….

FFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK.  She pooped.

She’s pretty good about cleaning herself up, but sometimes needs help if she poops.  It’s hard for her to reach around.

I look at the door, and realize it’s not like the stalls that we used to have in school where a coin could be used to open the lock.  FUCK.

So what do I do?  I got on the floor and crawled under the stall.  Wearing a skirt and heels.  Almost broke my back I think.  As I was on the ground, I questioned how often they might clean it, since I could smell pee.

Dear daughter then asks as I slowly stand up, “Mama, why didn’t you just use the door?”  Oh she is hilarious.

Cleaned her butt up and then we washed hands.  Then she was pissed because her whole class had already walked into the class (she usually walks hand in hand with her friend Nora), so then she was extra shy and didn’t want to walk in by herself.  Teacher came an helped.  Maybe she saw the look of defeat on my face.

I wanted to go take a shower immediately, but it was off to work.  I washed my hands for a good three minutes upon returning to the office.  Thankfully, one of our inspectors got Dunkin Donuts, so things were starting to look up.  If this week doesn’t get better, I’m not going to make it.

 

 

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Madelyn Mary Jane, Part 2

We make it up to the Labor & Delivery floor and my pants are sopping wet.  I had gray sweat pants on, so it was totally noticeable that I was having issues.  I guess people don’t question that kind of thing when you’re at a hospital though.  Just my dear husband confirming that I was sitting on a towel in his precious car on the way there.

It’s nice because once you arrive at the hospital, you just go straight up on the elevator at the side entrance- they usually want you to bypass the ER because of whatever nasty bugs are hanging out there.  You still have to be buzzed in once you get to the floor, so it is very secure.

I got the very last room.  No joke.  They called in an extra nurse just for me (maybe she lied about that just to make me feel special, but that’s what the nurse told me when she came into my room).  They were doubling up on rooms later on for laboring moms.  Everyone wanted to have babies on March 23, I guess?  I just kept picturing the scene from Friends with Rachel and Janice sharing a room and laboring together.  No fucking way.  Either way, I’m glad I called my doctor first instead of just showing up on the L & D floor.  She called them immediately and had them save a room for me.  But I’ll tell you what – as soon as Madelyn made her entrance and they checked her out, they rushed us out of that room SO FAST to the mother/ baby floor.  Probably had a line a expectant mums waiting for mine…

So back to the sequence of events…they got me settled into my room.  They told me Dr. U wasn’t on the floor yet, so I knew the nurse was going to have to “check” me to see what I was dilated to.  I had talked to my Dr about this before, because some of the nurses are so rough.  She told me I could tell the nurses that they needed to wait until Dr. came in so that she could check me.  I determined at that point that it wasn’t worth the fight.  Who the fuck cares.  So, the nurse checked me, and I think I was 3 cm.  I was still spilling fluids out of me every time I moved a muscle.  I hated that part.  I mean, who wants to sit in their own amniotic fluid?  I felt like I was peeing all over myself.  I’d be cool with it if I had already been given my epidural, because then I wouldn’t be able to feel it.

Dr. U gets there eventually and stops in and asks how I’m doing and if I was ready for my epidural.  Heck yes!  Why not?  This was the most difficult part of my first labor/ delivery (just nervous, really).  She got the fluids going since they have to pump you full of them for a good 45 mins before they can start you on the epidural.

I had asked the nurse who the anesthesiologist on call was, because I couldn’t remember who I had last time but I know I liked him.  She rattled off a few names, but none of them sounded familiar.  I remembered that the Dr’s name had something related to The OC, but couldn’t place it.  Finally, the Dr walks in ready to stick my spine and says, “Hi Melissa, I’m Dr. Cohen” in this super deep, monotone voice.  HOLY SHIT!  Seth Cohen from the OC is going to perform my epidural!  And I said, “It’s you!  You did my epidural last time!  Your wife used to live on LaGrande!”…like that wasn’t creepy.  Last time we talked when Kenzie was born, he asked me where I worked (probably to get me comfortable with him sticking me in my spine), and I told him.  He was like, “Oh no way!  My wife grew up in that city on LaGrande!” and it kind of put me at ease.  So needless to say, I was thrilled that it was the same doctor.  This time, the needle went a little easier and I didn’t move as much because I knew what to expect.  Not sure why.  Who cares – last time ever, hopefully!  They even upgraded their equipment and gave me a button to press to give myself more meds “if I felt like I needed it”..bahahaha, I pressed that sucker a few minutes after they left, just to see what would happen.  Obviously it maxes you out at some point.  But this time, I couldn’t even feel the contractions for the most part.  Well done, pain meds!

I’m going to continue to try to finish writing this now that Madelyn has turned two.  Let’s see what I can remember.  How comical.  

Oh yes, names!  God forbid we agree on any names ever.  You’d think at this point, he would just say, “you know what hun, you’ve been through enough having to go through HG with both pregnancies, how about you pick whatever name you would like and I will support you”…..oh fuck no!  Instead I got, “we can’t name this kid a name that doesn’t start with an M, he/ she would be an outsider for sure”  Come on.  So I was getting texts every few minutes from my friend Kat with name ideas she was getting from other people at her office.  I also spoke with nurses for their thoughts and ideas.  One of the nurses said someone had recently named their daughter Madelyn.  Done and DONE.  For a boy, it would have been Lincoln.  Mike knew it was going to be a girl.  I did not, though I had my assumptions.

So this labor was much faster than the first.  I apologize if I am repeating myself, but I cannot remember what I posted two years ago.  Shit, I can’t remember what I wore yesterday.  Anyhow, my first pregnancy I was there overnight and they needed to use pitocin to get me going.  This time, I got there at about 7 or 8 a.m. and baby girl was born by 4 p.m. with just a couple minutes of pushing  (yep – can’t even remember the exact time).  Not a whole lot of time to hang out or rest.  I wasn’t as scared this time though.  I knew what was coming.  I definitely couldn’t feel as much of the contractions since I used the drug button too many times.  But I was okay with that.

Another big difference was that I told Mike to go home so that he could be with Kenzie since we hadn’t really left her alone overnight.  There was no need for him to stay with me.  It got a little lonely, but I was able to get some sleep and I was smart enough to let the nurses take Maddy when they offered.  With Kenzie, I was all, “don’t take my baby!” and this time I was all, “yes, please take her now – and bring the snack cart in while you’re at it”  Yes, let her sleep in the momaroo for as long as she’ll have it.  I still never had time to shower.  I think I valued the sleep more.

The snack cart, meal choices, Food Network, and replenishment of feminine products were the highlights of my day (yes, I enjoyed the company of my new babe too, so shut it).  I would hear the snack cart in the room next to me in the middle of the night and I would get all ready to make my choices.  They never judged either…three rice crispy treats?  you got it!  “Oh wait, can I have cheetos and a granola bar too?”  SURE!!   I would stockpile that shit.

Then the CNA would come in every few hours to check on my feminine supplies (ice packs for the vag area, giant pads, the infamous mesh undies, the spray foam pain numbing stuff).  Every time they would leave, I confiscate just enough into my overnight bag so that they would replenish it each time.  Then, I had more than enough to bring home to last me a few weeks.  No way am I buying this shit after the fact.

The meal choices weren’t too bad.  I did make my husband bring me giant sandwiches and polish sausage/ cheese fries for most dinners.  The rest of the meals I had hospital food.  I always asked for a Pepsi, even though it wasn’t a choice.  Sorry dude, I’m not here for bad health choices, feed me what I want.  They always came through.

The one thing I did miss was the killer fruit punch they had when I had Kenzie there.  They had it on the fountain and with the best little pieces of ice.  They must have updated their stuff because it was no longer an option.   That’s fine.  I just replaced it with Pepsi every time, ahahahaha.

I was also smarter about my attire this time.  I hated those nursing gowns that they had.  So ugly and moo-moo like.  And annoying to unbutton.  I wore my shamrock boxer shorts and a t-shirt the whole time, and brought my slippers too.  Best decision ever.

Here is the best husband story though.  He did bring in Kenzie once to say hi, but she was getting antsy so they only stayed a bit.  I decided to give birth on fantasy baseball draft weekend.  What the fuck was I thinking?   So I knew this, but I thought for sure he would either do it remotely or just let it auto-pick for him since I just gave birth to his second child, BFD.  Wrong, stupid, stupid over medicated mama.  He told me he was going to drop off Kenzie at his parents so he could go to Hooters and do his draft.  I laughed and said okay, whatever.  He was going to pick up baby girl and I from the hospital after he was done.  That’s fine – no problem.

Let me just tell you, this was the longest six hours of my life of day 3 at the hospital.  Baby girl still needed her first bath (I pushed it off as long as I could).  She hated it, obviously.

So my dear husband rolled in around 5 or 6 p.m., because you know, they WILL kick you out of the room on your last day.  He was complaining of a splitting headache.  I parted with one of my super motrin pills for him (no fucking way was he getting my tylenol with codeine).  Yes guys, my husband was complaining of a headache while I stood there with intense pressure and soreness between my legs from producing a child.  I can’t make this shit up.

So we get home, and his parents meet us there with Kenzie and they made dinner (sausage and red sauce or some crap).  Everyone is sitting at the dining room table, Kenzie is running around, I’m holding baby while trying to eat.  That’s when it happened.  Mike looked at me and said, “Do you mind if I go upstairs and lay down for a bit, my head is still pounding”….you guys, I laughed at him.  And then I realized he WASN’T FUCKING JOKING.

My husband went up to lay down in our bed the night I got home with baby girl #2.  To be clear, he is a great father and he’s always been very good to me, but the fact that it actually happened.  Like I couldn’t comprehend it as it happened.  Yes, please leave me to deal with our newborn and toddler AND YOUR PARENTS.

So that’s how Maddy made her entrance – quick and sassy, just like she is.  She demands attention like no one else (aside from big sis) and is more independent and stubborn than I might be.  She’s a strong one.

 

 

 

 

Potty Training with Miss Kenzie

Oh man, what a fun evening we had.

My original plan was to start potty training fast and furious during my maternity leave.  Things got a little busy/ crazy with two kids, so that never ended up being a priority.

I got home Thursday and noticed that Kenzie had a bit of a rash on her bottom, so I decided to let her soak a little longer in the bathtub.  I also thought, “This would be a great opportunity to start using her big girl undies!”  So, rather than put a night time diaper on her and not let the rash breathe, I put on her Minnie Mouse undies.  I talked to her about it, and explained that she needed to let mama or dada know when she needed to potty, and we would take her up to her pretty potty.

She has already gone potty on it a few times, so she knows the drill.  She enjoys playing with her potty more than using it, though.  For example, she will place her bear on the potty seat and say, “Bear going potty”….so she totally gets it, but she just isn’t interested in using it herself.

So I bring Kenzie downstairs, and Mike says, “This is a terrible idea, I don’t like it”….I told him just not to let her sit on the couch or anything.  Easy enough, right?  So I go upstairs to start running Maddy’s bath.  [I feel all that I do after getting home from work is change diapers, clean up toys, bathe the kids, and feed them constantly].   I realize all of Maddy’s diapers are downstairs, so I run down to grab one.  I notice that Kenzie is sitting on Mike’s lap and he is combing her hair (she won’t let me do it – everything I try to do gets a “Dada Do!!”  She hates me already!).

As I walk by, I say, “Wow, you’re brave” and continued on upstairs to get Maddy ready for her bath.  Before I can even get Maddy to the tub, I hear Mike scream, “AHHH!!!”  And then I just waited.  He ran up the stairs holding Kenzie out like she had some type of disease.  I took her and asked what was wrong, just to be funny.  He was clearly pissed (no pun intended).

You guys, she seriously had the smallest amount of pee on her nightgown.  Mike claims that was because it all leaked out onto him.  He had already run to change his shorts.  HILARIOUS.  After he changed and I cleaned up Kenzie, he said, “We’re not doing that anymore” in a super pissed off/ attitudey kind of voice…and then I asked him what his suggestion was for potty training.  “She’ll just tell us when she has to go, and then we’ll take her to the potty”….HAHAHAHA.   Well, maybe when she’s 4 she can do that.

Looks like I’m going to have to do the potty training while he is not home!   Not like I have anything else to do.

Potty Training & Other Fun Topics (+31 weeks pregnant)

I type this as my eyes are closing.  It’s only 1:47 p.m. on a Monday, but I am getting more exhausted by the day.  I need to hire a personal chef, driver, stylist, and maid.  I’m sure I’m leaving something out.  Oh, pregnancy.  Just put me out of my misery.

I just wanted to document that Kenzie used her potty for the first time on her own!  Could not be more proud of my girl.

We only just bought the fake potty (see here:  Fisher Price Potty Light Up) last weekend.  I thought it was going to be a few months before she even considered taking it for a spin.  Of course I had high hopes last weekend and thought I would have her going in the potty immediately (ha, I’m so dumb).  She was merely interested in the fake flushing mechanism of her new toy and that it lit up and talked upon flushing the handle.

So last night, little chica was sitting on my lap as I was reading a Sesame Street book to her.  All of the sudden, my leg got really warm, so I know she had peed in her diaper.  I stopped reading and said, “Kenz, you are supposed to tell me when you have to potty, remember?”  and she replied with, “potty!”…so I figured why not try.  It was nearly time for her bubble bath, so I raced her up the stairs to the bathroom thinking maybe she had some left in her.  I said, “You sit on the potty while I fill up your bath tub, okay?”  and she replied, “okay!”…so I helped her take off her pants and diaper, and she promptly sat down on her little toy.  She sat longer than she normally did before, and all of the sudden, I heard a little bit trickle out!  And of course, there is a sensor at the bottom of her potty that sings “You went potty!!” when something fills it, even just a little.  I screamed for Mike and then told her how happy and proud I was of her.  Then I went and got her a sticker to put on her potty (I thought I would start with the sticker system, even if she just tries, she will get a sticker to put on the back of her potty).

I know she is not magically trained now and there is much work to be done still, but this is a huge milestone!  Now the babysitter can also be on board with potty training during the day (she also does the sticker system).  I understand she might regress after the new baby comes along, but that is to be expected.

The two main things that I wanted to have in motion prior to delivering baby number 2 were:

(1)  have Kenzie sleeping in her big girl bed consistently (her big girl bed is a freaking queen size Simmons complete with pillow top – I bought it when I moved out on my own, and it only got like two years of use – girl has got it made in the shade).  Fingers crossed all over the place that this new kiddo is a fan of the rock n’ play sleeper.  Kenzie HATED it and would only sleep on my chest.  Otherwise, it will be co-sleeping again for the first few months.  But that’s okay, because I feel slightly more prepared as to what my options will be if baby is not a good sleeper.

(2)  start potty training.  Successful start, and we will just keep on keepin’ on.

*I also wanted a deep freezer for breastmilk storage purposes.  Mike was always annoyed at how many frozen plastic containers I had spread all over our tiny freezer.  I told him to avoid that this time around, he needed to buy me a deep freezer.  Find a place for it – I don’t care where.  We will need it in the future with two kids, anyhow.  His main protest is that I will fill it with other crap and forget about it and then it will all be freezer burn/ spoiled/ etc.  So I have to keep bothering him about that to ensure that I get my way.

*I also tried to get him to buy a few sleepers at Target this weekend for the hospital.  Aden + Anais had these adorable sleepers on clearance:  Aden + Anais Sleeper   He was like, “what do we need those for?”  UH, for new baby at the hospital!!  The little wrap shirt that they put Kenzie in when she was born was a complete pain in the ass.  I want something that zips up easily – no buttons, straps, nothing over the head.  I want EASY this time.  So I have to keep fighting the good fight for that too, especially because I will probably tell Mike to leave us at the hospital so he can be with Kenzie overnight, and so he can get some rest as well.

*And finally, I am getting some pressure from people about having a second baby shower!  I guess people have “sprinkles” or whatever, but I’m pretty sure that is normally when you know you are having a baby of the opposite gender (which I don’t want to know), and normally is a much smaller gathering at someone’s house.  I don’t like to put people out.  If they want to buy us something, they will.  I’ll tell you this, I will want some good beer, sushi, and sandwiches following birth.  That’s all I want.  Oh, and maybe some special brownies for when my pain meds run out.  ::Is she kidding?::

Worst Mom #445

I’m not really counting the reasons why I am sometimes a bad mom.  My numbering system is probably pretty accurate, though.

Anyhow, this happened a few weeks ago on a Friday.  I picked up Kenzie from the babysitter’s house after another fun-filled day at work.

I put her in the car seat and noticed she dropped her doll’s pacifier.  Of course.  So I start looking all over for it.  Can’t find it.  Distracted her with some pretzels.  Good to go.

So, I’m driving along and we get to a light about 10 minutes later.  Just a block away from getting on the expressway.  I look back at little chicky in my rear view mirror (we have one of those mirrors on her seat in the back since she is still rear-facing) and see that she is proudly STANDING UP facing me with a huge smile on her face.  YEP, I forgot to buckle her in because I was so distracted looking for the dumb fake pacifier.  I immediately start looking around to see where I can pull into quickly to get her strapped in.  There is a White Castle just a few feet ahead and I just need to turn right to get into the parking lot.  Perfect.

At the same time, I am telling Kenzie sternly “SIT DOWN”, to which she just laughs and smiles because she knows what she has accomplished.  Completely ignores me.

The light turns green, and I slowly start to turn into the White Castle parking lot.  I look in the mirror as I am doing this and watch Kenzie do a little cartwheel and fall over onto the seat next to her.  OMG.  She starts whining/ fake crying.  I ask, “Are you okay?!”  To which she replies, “Yeah” (in the saddest tone ever – hilarious).  So I get her all buckled in (against her will of course, because now she knows what freedom is like in the car), and away we go while she cried for the duration of the trip.  What a heart attack!  So thankful we were not on the expressway going 70 mph when it happened.  I am a moron.

Stay tuned for more bad mom stories, I’m sure they’ll be coming.  Especially with pregnancy brain over here.

 

My Fellow Americans

“There was only one assassination attempt on me.  You had three” – from one of my very favorite movies – My Fellow Americans.  Politics will always be politics.  I will always be excited for election day and watching the votes as they come in, state by state.  Especially local elections, obviously.  Probably because I’ve always wanted to run for office, or because I’ve worked in local government.

I refuse to post on Facebook about the election, so I will take to my blog in an effort to vent about the morons on Facebook.  I swear it was better when social media didn’t exist.  People are seriously ready to jump off bridges.  To me, it is comical.  I read a few posts late last night and early this morning, and it just kills me how dramatic everyone is being.

“I am so glad that I don’t have kids.  It’s going to be a challenge to raise them in the next four years”

“I am crying right now because I am worried about my children’s futures”

“Is this really happening right now?”

“What a sad day for the world”

And my personal favorite, from someone in the office today, “I’m just worried that we’re going to get nuked”

GROW THE FUCK UP, PEOPLE.

Guess what?  It’s going to be a challenge to raise your kid no matter who is in office.  BECAUSE YOU ARE THEIR PARENT.  Hardest job in the world.  But that’s no reason to not have kids.  Things could always be worse.  We don’t live in a third world country where food and clean water is unavailable to us.  Our kids’ futures are what we as parents put into them.  I can tell you that President Obama did not help me at all with baby #1 or how I have raised her up to this point, and none of his policies burdened/ benefited my family in the process.  Unless you want to count the fact that paid FMLA is still not mandated, in which case, every president has sucked up to this point.  Although I can appreciate that he recently signed a law mandating changing tables in BOTH men’s and women’s restrooms alike.  That will benefit moms and dads everywhere.  Other than that – no impact. Business as usual.

Guess what?  The entire U.S. is not automatically considered racist because Trump was elected.  Evidently, the majority of this country wants change.  SHOCKER.  There are other reasons people voted for Trump, and I’m sure the majority of people didn’t do so in hopes of a wall going up or demeaning women.  But they probably agreed with some of his other views, which would directly impact their family for the better, and voted for him.

Let’s try to stay positive and realize that we are not doomed for the next four years.

Everything is going to be okay.    And if it’s not, we will unify and work through it together, like we always do.  Because that is the beauty of living in America.

“Hail to the chief, if you don’t, I’ll have to kill you. I am the chief, so you better watch your step, you bastards.”