I like to think that Amy Schumer and I are somewhat kindred spirits, and that if we met some day, we would be the best of friends. And maybe she would take me to a Billy Joel concert to sing on stage. And we could laugh at people working out at the gym.
People who work out seriously kill me. I see people running (always for fun, never from a murderer or for a purpose), and I immediately laugh. I’m a terrible person, I already know this. No need to remind me. Maybe it’s because I’m partly jealous that I don’t have that kind of discipline?
And I’m also a hypocrite, because I used to go to hot yoga. I loved yoga so much. Made my body actually feel good instead of feeling like I was hit by a train the next day. But then, I got pregnant. Doctors frown upon doing exercise in a 100 degree room when you are trying to hold onto all of your nutrients/ hydration because you have hyperemesis gravidarum. So goodbye yoga! And yes, I know you are thinking “Doesn’t she have an 18 month old? She could have gone back to yoga by now”…to which I say, screw that. Any extra time I have on my hands is now spent sleeping or eating, especially now that I am pregnant again (I know, who plans this shit?!)….but that is okay. Because this will be the last one. FOR SURE. So maybe in a year or two I will get my yoga back. By then, I’ll probably want it back.
Anyhow, hypocrite or not, I head over to the babysitter’s house to get Kenzie a few weeks back. It’s about 5:05 when I get there. Kenzie always runs from me when I get there. She looks really happy and excited that I am there, but then runs straight in the other direction. Right after I walk in, another Dad walks in. We will call him Dan. Dan says, “Sorry I’m a little late, I had to get my cardio in”…. You guys, I almost laughed in his face because I thought he was joking around like how Fat Amy talked about cardio on Pitch Perfect. Luckily, I did not laugh. He was dead serious. He and his wife work out at the gym together and even pay for a trainer. Holy hell! I could think of one hundred better things to do with your money than pay a trainer to make you work out. Pizza and cupcakes are at the top of that list. I mean, I get winded walking up our stairs at home. But that’s just me.
And now I’m off to eat some Halloween candy. I can’t wait til Kenzie is old enough to go trick-or-treating so I can steal her candy the way my parents stole mine. “Here, have this quinoa bar instead, and I will have the Reese’s since you don’t want your teeth to rot..”