The First Three Weeks

This is a post I started a long time ago, obviously, but just now posting.   Funny to look back on.  It’s fitting, since she FINALLY slept through the night last night (March 8, 2016 = add to list of milestones).  If we have any other kiddos, this will be a good post to look back on.  I’m finally starting to feel like myself again, almost one year later.  Or maybe this will remind me we don’t want any other kiddos?  Ha!  As always, sorry for the profanity.  I was in the moment!
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So, we just started our fourth week of “Life with Kenzie”…

Just to give you an idea of how things are going, here is a scenario that just happened:

Because of the shitty day that it has been, I decided we *must* get out of the house.  Mama needed some coffee.  So to Dunkin Donuts we went!  I even brought the freaking dog so that no one would feel left out.  I had planned to leave the house around 2, so that we would avoid any and all school, lunch, or rush hours.  Want to know what time we left the house at?  4:47 p.m.  At that point, my mind was set on coffee, so we were going to make a run for it.

Baby Girl did good, at first.  I wish she could take a note or two from our dog.  He’s fantastic at car rides.  So I pull up at the drive thru at Dunkin and order my wonderful coffee and two chocolate glazed donuts.  One for me, and one for my husband for the morning.  And if he didn’t want it, then there would be two for me!  Fantastic.

So I ordered our stuff (no cries), and then pulled around to the window.  The lady saw the dog and gave me a cookie for him, which he was stoked about.  She must have missed the baby carrier, because maybe then she would have handed me a flask.  As we drove away from Dunkin Donuts, baby girl erupted with tears.  Ah yes, we had only been in the car for five tiny minutes, and that was enough for her to lose her shit.  I was contemplating driving around a bit more after we got our goodies, but her tone got louder and more ear piercing, so home we went.  Once I put the carrier down in the dining room table, she shut up.  WHAT THE FUCK.  I left her there for about 20 minutes as she slept, and then she woke up.  She must have forgotten that she was strapped in, because she was PISSED!  The mother of all screams came forth, so I took her out.  My fear is that if I go on a road trip with her, she will fall asleep in the car and then wake up forgetting what the hell is going on and let out that raging scream.

Excuse me, she just crapped her diaper while sitting in my lap.  That’s how loud she is when she poops and/ or farts.  Like a 40 year old man!  She’ll thank me for this post later.

Okay, 30 minutes later…(she went through two extra diapers..I think I’m so smooth to throw a new diaper under her butt once I wipe her off AND swipe out the old one at the same time…and then she pees on the new one AND her outfit…so I wipe her and give her another new one…she poops some more on that one….)   Then she’s hungry.  So I nursed her.  It literally felt like she was ripping off my nipple at the end of the 20 minutes.  And all the lactation consultants say, “you’re doing it wrong if it hurts”  – I call bullshit!

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Postpartum Hormone Rages – Holy Hell.

This will be a relatively quick post for right now.  And I will continue with the birth story for Mack – don’t worry.

Basically, postpartum hormones/ depression is no fucking joke.  I know my hormones are all out of balance and whatever, but for the third time in a week, I just burst into tears in front of Mike.  He doesn’t get it.  He thinks something must be wrong (like a root cause), but I keep telling him I do not know what is wrong.  I think it’s a mix of everything.  I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.  Baby girl still isn’t gaining weight.  She’s not losing anything, but she’s not gaining.  This makes me question if something is wrong with my breast milk or if I am not feeding her as often as I should, even though I feed her on demand, like her ped told me.  And I feel like I suck as a mother (am I talking to her enough?  am I soothing her enough?  am I reading to her enough?  am I singing enough?).

And then I think about childcare and how I couldn’t even fathom the thought of someone else (other than family and close friends) babysitting her once I have to go back to work.  I am seriously ready to quit my job.  My mom has agreed to take baby girl two days a week (she is even taking an extra day off every week just to make it work), and then I have no idea what to do for the other three days.  That in itself makes me want to cry.  I will not put her into day care where there are other kids at this point.  As a new mom, I feel that (selfishly, I’m sure) all the attention should be on her (when she’s not sleeping).  Like, I worry about her sitting in a wet or dirty diaper for too long, or crying for milk.  It kills me.

Hubby thought I was mad/ crying because he was going to the Cubs game for the remainder of our future-brother-in-law’s bachelor party.  OF COURSE it would have been nice if he stayed home, but I know he needed to be there.  He’s going to be family.

Anyhow, I’m not depressed.  I’m just having a hard time adjusting.  I knew it was going to be life changing, but there is just no real way to prepare for this in your life.  Especially when baby girl was a month early.

It’s a beautiful day today, so I’m going to take baby girl out for a walk after she eats again.  I think maybe the sun will help.  And The Cure.