Do you ever feel like your life is going to implode?   Some days, I wish a truck would take me out in one big swoop.

Every day has somehow gotten progressively worse than the day before.  I know there is an end in sight (we have chosen a new babysitter who we started with last Tuesday), but I feel like my life is always going to be like this and it’s only going to get worse when we add another kid.

I know my hormones are out of whack.  I know I’ve been thrown some curve balls that are out of the ordinary.  I know we are still trying to get settled in our new house.  All of these things compiled are driving me to the nut house.

This morning, it was Kenzie throwing a tantrum because she didn’t want to wear the outfit that I let her pick out the night before.  Yes, you read that right.  She fucking picked out the outfit!  And then her complaint was that she wanted to wear ALL THE CLOTHES.  I gave her the option to choose between two outfits for her Valentine’s Day party at school.  So I must have misunderstood when she picked one, she meant EVERYTHING.  She wanted to go to school like Joey wearing ALL of Chandler’s clothes.  WTF.

I had woken up extra early to finish putting her valentines together.  This year, we did scratch and sniff valentines that she wrote her name on herself, and then colored a pretty picture on each envelope.  Then, I tied a container of Silly Putty to each envelope.  I thought it was going to be a good day.  Then the girls wake up.  They start sneezing and coughing.  They both get pissed when they are congested and can’t breathe so kicking and screaming and crying ensue.

I need to figure something out.

Here we are, the next week, and nothing has gotten better.  I cried a decent amount last night, after the kids fell asleep.  Then I couldn’t sleep for hours because I kept thinking about what a shitshow everything has turned into.

Kenzie once again did not want to wear what I asked her to wear this morning.  She threw the outfit and then kicked and hit me with a stuffed animal.  You guys, I almost lost it.  I had to walk away.  We were already late because she didn’t want to listen.  Maddy was standing downstairs acting perfect with her jacket on.  It’s always one of them that has to push it.  I collapsed in the bathroom crying.  Trying to decide if I should just give in and take a day off.  Maybe just quit my job.  At some point, I snapped out of it and got the girls in the car.

Now just to keep things interesting, Maddy has been fighting a cold since last week.  I was worried about her lungs and ears, so I thought I’d bring her in for a quick doctor’s appt on Monday afternoon to see if her ears were infected or if there was any wheezing in her lungs (she had pneumonia once before, so I always worry when I hear her cough getting worse).  She had been waking herself up coughing, and it scares me.  So the doctor checked her ears and lungs.  No fever at all, so no need to check for flu or strep.  All clear.  Just another virus (can’t even tell you how many times they’ve quoted that to me).  Fast forward to Tuesday night.  She’s crying telling me her left ear hurts horribly.  I feel her forehead and take her temp.  103.  1-0-fucking-3.   So I give her Tylenol and lay with her until she’s ready to eat something (she took no interest in dinner).  I called first thing Wednesday morning (another day I had to take from work, aka my maternity leave which will be non-existent when I have babe 3) and got her in at 10 a.m.

Oh look at that.  BOTH OF HER EARS ARE INFECTED NOW.  So much for preventative maintenance.  Cue the crying again (just me, this time – both girls were great during the doctor visits and going back home).

We’re on the mend now, I sincerely hope.  My mom has both girls today.  I figured if Maddy was still in pain, I wanted her to be cuddled and loved on, and new babysitter can’t do that with 15 other kids.

I wish I could drink.  I just want one beer.  Like a Corona with two limes.  Dear husband won’t allow it even though my OB said one drink every now and then is not bad.   PS: I’m not an alcoholic.

Sorry for the never-ending rant.  I know it’s not the end of the world and things could be worse (LOL).  So I cry and wait for my life to implode.  That’s what us moms do, right?

Let the Anger Ensue – 33 Weeks & 1 Day

I am in the foulest of moods today.  Not sure why.  Maybe because it’s snowing and it is March 23.  Maybe because I can no longer get decent sleep.  Maybe because everyone sucks.  Maybe because I feel like the size of a house.  Maybe because the pain in my ribs and back has actually, somehow gotten worse. Baths aren’t even helpful anymore. Or maybe it’s just hormones.  I am ready to explode and take everyone with me.

And if I hear the song “All About That Bass” one more time on my co-worker’s computer radio station, I will lose it.  She is an older woman, and someone thought it would be a good idea to introduce her to internet radio.  Even though I am in an office, she is still close enough where I hear “Baby Got Back” and “Blurred Lines” and other random rap songs.  WTF.  Yes, I have Pandora on my own computer, but I play my music at a reasonable volume (thanks, Milton).  So I do that, and try not to piss anyone off, and I still hear this shit music coming from the common area.  So disheartening.

On a lighter note, baby girl only has 7 weeks left to kick me from the inside.  Then, she can start kicking me on the outside and screaming.  She is the size of a cauliflower blossom.  My Ovia app says, “Baby doesn’t have much room to kick anymore, so movements should be less violent (ha!)”  LIES!  I think the movements have been more violent, if anything.

I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday.  I’m curious to see how much she weighs.  I have to remember to ask when my next ultrasound will be so that I can get updated measurements.  I keep wanting to buy little dresses, but I don’t know if she’ll be bigger than newborn size when she pops out (lots of babies skip that size, I guess).

I think I am stressing because time is suddenly moving MUCH faster than I remember.  And we have NOTHING ready aside from clearing a shelf off on our linen closet and dedicating it to diapers and rash cream.  I guess maybe I am getting a little of the nesting thing kicking in.  But it’s just making me more mad because we have NOTHING ready.  Ugh.  And it doesn’t help that we have plans every single weekend leading up to baby girl’s arrival.  I hate that.  All I want to do is sit at home, read my baby books, watch the First Wives Club and other sweet 90s movies while I can, and enjoy the remaining time I have.  But no.

We went to Destination Maternity yesterday to buy me a dress for the baby shower.  I ended up buying two, since Easter is also going to be another event that I forgot about.  I could do without Easter this year (go ahead, hate on me).  I wonder if I will be able to wear heels for both events.  Easter brunch will be a lot of sitting, which is good on my feet, but bad on my back.  Baby shower will be a lot of up and down saying hi to everyone.  Might bring my slippers for when things get too intense!  🙂

Dresses below.  Can’t really tell with the white dress, but it is white and pink striped.


29 weeks, 3 days – Bébé is Size of a Hawaiian Pineapple- Glucose Test – Breastfeeding Frenzy

So, pineapples are pretty huge, right?!  And so am I.  Still two long months to go.  Meh. For some strange reason, I feel really good today.  I know, I probably just jinxed it.  {oh and I did!  I started this draft on monday, and now it is tuesday.  let me just tell you.  tuesday fucking blows. Wednesday also sucks. pregnancy is going to be the death of me}  It’s amazing how you can have a good day, followed by a day where you can’t even get out the door because you feel like you’re going to pass out.  I can only hope that the good days will outweigh the bad in these last two months.

Now for the good news!  I had a doctor’s appointment last Monday.  Now I get to go every two weeks, since we are in the third trimester.  If it gets me out of work early, I am on board.

Turns out, I actually PASSED my glucose test!!   The phlebotomist, while very kind, was incorrect in reading her numbers.  I was thrilled beyond belief!  So no three-hour test for me!   She even told me that my iron levels were fine.  Although they were a bit low, that is completely normal.  She said if anything, I would go on iron supplements AFTER baby girl is born.

I then went on to ask her my list of questions, including “What are my delivery options, if any?”  “Will you be here when I deliver if you aren’t on schedule for that day?”  Because I had heard from a few different friends that there is a pretty good chance that your doctor won’t even be there for delivery if she isn’t on call that day.  I hate the idea of that, but I didn’t want to be caught by surprise “Father of the Bride II” style when some 16 year old comes in wanting to deliver my baby girl.

I was hoping she would tell me that my pelvis is too small, and that she would feel best scheduling a c-section.  I hear of so many doctors wanting to schedule deliveries, just for convenience.  I always thought I would be so against that, but now that I am scared out of my mind, I have decided that I would be okay with any kind of scheduling and even a c-section, which is done so often.  No sitting in labor for 36 hours, waiting on dilation, possible drugs wearing off…  But her answer surprised me.  She said our obvious hope is for a vaginal delivery.  FUCK.  So basically no planning, could go into labor at any time, and it could end up that my pelvis is INDEED too small for baby girl to get through, but that will be determined after I’ve been in labor for awhile and it has stalled.  THEN they could move forward with a c-section.  ISN’T THAT GREAT?!   And if my labor doesn’t progress as quickly as they’d like and I am not dilating fast enough, then they will give me Pitocin to strengthen labor, which I have also heard horror stories about.  Basically, I am terrified.  And on top of all that, I feel as though my body is in no shape to go through 36 hours of labor.  I can barely walk up a flight of stairs without getting lightheaded.  And I know that I should be trying to “train” for this, but my body just can’t take it.   So at the end of delivery, I will just collapse and sleep for a month.  Right?  Right.

At what I thought was the end of my appointment, my doctor said, “Okay!  So now you’ll get your RH status shot and you’ll be good to go!”  I responded with, “Like, today?”   Oh yes.  I was getting a shot.  NOT IN THE ARM, EITHER.  Not all women need them, as it turns out.  Of course, I am in the percentage that would require such a thing.  Turns out, if your blood type is negative (I have A negative blood), there is a chance that baby’s blood could be positive.  There is no way to know for sure unless we did amniocentesis (giant needle in the stomach = no fucking way).  This is fine with baby number one, but if we were to go on and have baby number two and baby ended up having a positive blood type, my blood would try to fight it off, thus possibly resulting in a miscarriage.  So they give you the shot at 28 weeks, and then again after you deliver.  Then I will be covered and they won’t try to attack baby 2’s blood.   Let’s not even discuss if there will be a baby number 2.  Save that for another day….

I also asked her about breastfeeding, and the possibility of renting an automatic pump from the hospital.  She was very clear that I should wait on all of that, since you never really know if breastfeeding is going to work out with you and your baby.  That being said, one of my new-mom friends invited me to join this “Breastfeed Chicago” Facebook group, where you can talk about your struggles of breastfeeding and such.  I was very appreciative of this, since I intend to breastfeed, if it works out.

Joining this group ahead of time was a bad idea for two reasons.

(1)  “I think my breasts are engorged!  See pics in the comments!”   I understand that this is a forum for mums who are trying to breastfeed, and things aren’t always cheery and happy.  But I have seen far too many of these “My nipples are cracked and bleeding!” posts/ photos.  It is enough to deter me from breastfeeding altogether!  Again, I’m sure there are plenty of mums out there who don’t post anything because everything is working out just as it should.  I’m just saying, it would be nice to see a “everything is going so well and I’m not in pain at all” post!   A little encouragement never hurt.

(2)  These ladies fucking HATE formula.  If someone posts something even remotely in favor of formula feeding, if only for a supplement and needing some advice on how to wean, numerous mums will go off on her in the comments saying things like, “breast is best!  don’t do it!”  making you feel like a loser and a bad mom if you would even consider formula feeding.  I don’t like that.  You never know how things are going to work out, and if formula is the only thing your baby will drink, then formula is what you will nourish them with!  COME ON!  They also think you should never wean your baby off the breast.  Breastfeed until your kid is 5 years old, if that is what they want!  Yeah, because THAT’S not creepy.

That’s all for now – stay tuned for upcoming posts on my back/ rib pain and possibly going to a chiropractor (thoughts?!), a baklava recipe that is out of this world, and my thoughts on essential oils that have taken the nation by storm 🙂

25 weeks, 5 days – Bébé is Size of a Napa Cabbage – and the Parenthood series finale…

Moving right along.  25 weeks.  I can’t believe I am almost into the third trimester!  Still doing good on the anti-nausea front.  Not going to say too much because I don’t want to jinx it.

I was pretty motivated yesterday, and scheduled a whole slew of things!  I scheduled a tour of the birthing ward at the hospital we will be delivering at.  They just renovated everything in the past year, and everything is state-of-the-art.  I’m pretty excited to check it out.  Even better, I learned that they offer in-room spa services!  WHAT?!  Oh yes, you can schedule a manicure or pedicure during your stay!  I told Mike and his response was, “Sounds like this is going to be an expensive trip”….hahaha, no kidding.  Expensive trip, expensive kid…goodbye vacations and nice Anthropologie clothes for mama.

I also scheduled us for an accelerated birthing class.  It is on a Saturday from 9 until 5.  I told Mike this and his response was, “WHAT?  8 hours?!”  He was partly joking.  I am not a fan of sitting somewhere for 8 hours, either.  But it was either that or three weeks of Tuesday/ Wednesday night classes, and we would never make the class in time since it is at a different location.  They will let us leave for lunch, at least.  And the lady told me to dress comfortably and to bring 4 large pillows.  Can’t wait!  🙂    As long as I don’t have to sit in a chair for 8 hours, I will be okay.  Just lay me out on the floor, and I will pay attention.

And finally, I scheduled the glucose test ::cringe:: for next Saturday.  Fingers crossed I don’t vomit and they let me take my time drinking it, and I can drink it in peace.  I have to be there at 7 a.m., so I’m going to ask if they have a room with a bed after I drink the sugar drink, hahaha!   I told Mike he didn’t have to join me for this appointment, since I will have to sit there for an hour or two before they can draw my blood.  Fun times.  I think we are going to be pretty busy with our weekends up until baby girl is born!

I watched the series finale of Parenthood last night.  It was a great ending, in my opinion.  It makes such a difference when the creators of the show are actually aware that it is their last season and have enough time to prep a proper ending for the show.  So many shows find out mid-season that it will be their last season, so there is no closure for the viewers.  I feel as though they packed A LOT into one hour, but I was still happy with the outcome and future montage that they played to show where everyone ended up in life.  Lots of tears.  I’m not going to post any spoilers here for those of you who may not have seen it yet.  But it’s amazing.  I keep telling myself that the show is not real, and that they are not a real family.  But something inside of me really wants that kind of family!  The love they show to each other seemed so genuine.  And even the anger, since they obviously weren’t perfect.  I just want the same for our little family.  I hope that we can have that.  I hope I’m a good mom.  I really do.  Oh, and the music in the final episode WAS AMAZING.  Here is my favorite song (the intro Bob Dylan song, performed by Rhiannon Giddens and Iron & Wine) is perfection:

Oh, and a good post to document the tear-factor of the finale:


eating:   Pretty much anything at this point aside from the normal haters on my vomit list.  Still loving the Italian ice and have recently had a small obsession with smoothies, thanks to a good friend at work!  Oh, and LITTLE CAESARS!!  I got this for lunch one day earlier this week because I was craving it – yes, just for me.  I’m craving all the foods I loved as a kid!  We would always order Little Caesars pizza and crazy bread when I was allowed to have friends sleep over.  Such good stuff.  Baby girl will probably end up with a gluten allergy.


drinking: Smoothies, Squirt (I know, weird, right?), and Pepsi

avoiding: Shrimp.  Chicken.  Avocado.

wearing:  Ugh, I’m getting bigger by the day.  I finally bought one of those belly bands from Target so that I could keep wearing my work pants to work without having to buy new pants.  Bought some more Liz Lange maternity tops on clearance.  Had Mike take some photos this morning of me.

I’m concerned about my legs – they keep cramping up in the middle of the night!  Just my calves, really.  I’m afraid I’m going to have to start wearing those hideous circulation stockings that you see all of the old people wearing.  I need a better option!  Has anyone else had this problem before?

And something weird that I noticed.  My skin was always hit-or-miss before pregnancy.  I wouldn’t say that I had acne, but I would break out every now and then on my face, like a 13 year old.  Since I’ve been pregnant ::knock on wood:: my skin has been great!  Definitely not glowing or anything, but clear for the most part.  Still pale as hell.  I’ve heard that the opposite is supposed to happen.  Especially with having a girl, you’d think my hormone levels would double, hence my skin problems would double.  Not the case!  I’ll take it, though!

Stay tuned for my next post – it would be about our adventures in baby-registering!

Here is what 25 weeks looks like.  PS:  My hair is wet from having just gotten out of the shower, it’s not greasy 🙂

belly photo 1 close up belly photo 3belly photo 2

22 Weeks, 1 Day – Bebe is the size of a Corn on the Cob…

Alright!  So much for my 2015 goal!  I am convinced that this child hates me.   We went to Hooter’s on Sunday for some lunch.  I thought I’d order some shrimp fried in parmesan garlic sauce.  I took one bite of a shrimp, and quickly thought to myself, “Bad idea, genius”….now, I have had shrimp before while pregnant and have been just fine!  The consistency of this shrimp was just off – it almost tasted like they were raw and stringy, but still warm.   SO GROSS.  Mike could tell by the look on my face that I was about to have an episode.  He told me not to eat it, and that he would split his chicken sandwich with me.  I just had tiny little pieces of it, and was doing well.  Ate some curly fries and some fried pickles.  Good good.  We were getting close to being finished, and I suddenly got the urge to make a run for it.  Luckily, there was only a little girl washing her hands in the bathroom and promptly left before I could start losing everything.

The nice thing about Hooters is that their bathrooms are equipped with speakers so that you can hear the football games – and they are LOUD!   So even if someone was in there, they wouldn’t have been able to hear me.  I hate looking at myself in the mirror afterwards.  It usually looks like I have been crying, and my eyes look like blood vessels have popped inside of the whites.  But a big shout-out to Hooters, because our waitress was so kind.  I didn’t want to tell her what was up when she asked if there was something wrong with my shrimp.  I told her “no no, I’m fine!” and went on eating plain fries.  It was when I got back from the bathroom that she said, “Are you sure nothing is wrong?” that Mike told her I was pregnant, and that some things bother me.  She immediately had the shrimp taken off of our bill. She was probably thinking, “Why did this fool order this then?”  Oh well.  Live and learn.

eating:   I am a BIG fan of Cutie clementines recently.  I try to eat two or three a day (they are high in folic acid, and just convenient).  I keep them in my car so they stay cold (don’t tell Mike – he hates when I store things in there).  Also, I have been buying Vitamin Water XXX, which I usually reserve for after my sickness episodes, since water just never tastes right.  Again, Mike would kill me since Vitamin Water is a Coke product I think.  Definitely not Pepsi.  But I’ve tried Propel, and it disgusts me.  So he will just have to deal.    I could really go for some nachos now.  It’s negative degrees outside, so I’m contemplating a Taco Bell run for lunch, but probably should reconsider.   I also had the best burger of my life from The Butcher & the Burger…see their menu and info here:  Butcher & the Burger   It seems ridiculous to go all the way to the North side for a burger, but I have an inkling that we will be doing this again soon.  I already have a craving for another one.  And BONUS – it is super close to Binny’s!  We stocked up on beer (and non-alcoholic grapefruit soda).  Quite convenient.

drinking: Decaffeinated and unsweetened iced tea & Vitamin water XXX.  Fountain Pepsi when we go out.  Everything else disgusts me.

avoiding: Shrimp.  Chicken.  Exercising.  Organizing.  Sitting for long periods of time.

wearing:  I pretty much live in my maternity jeans now!  My mother-in-law was kind enough to get me a pair of skinny-maternity jeans for Christmas, and they fit great!  I bought a cute Liz Lange sweater dress, but will likely wear it with leggings.  No one need to see my pale legs.  Speaking of dresses, I also had to buy a pair of maternity nylons!  Didn’t even know they made them…Turns out they are super comfortable!  A little pricey, so hopefully I don’t get a run in them at all.


We had a wedding to attend this past Saturday.  Nothing like trying to find a dress that fits.  I didn’t want to have to buy something new, so I decided to try on things I already had.  What a joke.  Mike just laughed at the first dress (as did I)…

Pink Dress

Good thing the second dress had some give to it!  Also, I happened to buy this dress is two sizes when I did, so this is the bigger one.  Funny how things work out.  I had every intention of returning the one that didn’t fit as well…

Black Dress Wedding

feeling: Meh.  I feel terrible right now, so it’s hard to think of times when I feel GREAT.  I’m so thankful that I have an office job where I do.  I never would have been able to survive otherwise, and probably would have been fired by now elsewhere, though I believe that is probably illegal.

reading: Baby name book, now that we know the gender!  We went through both of our lists last night, and I think we will be okay.  I’m oddly surprised at how many names he likes from the 2000 era.  Like the name Madison.  Hello?!  That is so ten years ago!  I will likely be the one to give in for the name, which seems absurd since I’m the one who has been so sick and has to carry this bundle of joy around.  I will just be more stubborn about other things in the future.

buying:  We bought some booties for the baby at Target.  I just could not pass them up.  It was our very first purchase for Baby Peters!

sleeping: NOT GOOD.  It seems to be getting worse by the night, so I decided to invest in this:  Pregnancy Body Pillow from Bump Nest  It should be arriving any day now, so maybe that will put a halt to the constant tossing and turning.  Stand by for my review 🙂

loving:  Thinking about what the baby’s room will look like, whether it is at our house or at Mike’s parents’ house.  I have high hopes.

getting used to: Being a fatty.  But for real, it’s kind of fun.  We will be registering for the baby shower soon, so that will be a blast.  I can already tell that Mike is going to be indifferent to items.  That just gives me all the power 🙂