Sorry I was late, I had to get my cardio in.

I like to think that Amy Schumer and I are somewhat kindred spirits, and that if we met some day, we would be the best of friends.  And maybe she would take me to a Billy Joel concert to sing on stage.  And we could laugh at people working out at the gym.

People who work out seriously kill me.  I see people running (always for fun, never from a murderer or for a purpose), and I immediately laugh.  I’m a terrible person, I already know this.  No need to remind me.  Maybe it’s because I’m partly jealous that I don’t have that kind of discipline?

And I’m also a hypocrite, because I used to go to hot yoga.  I loved yoga so much.  Made my body actually feel good instead of feeling like I was hit by a train the next day.  But then, I got pregnant.  Doctors frown upon doing exercise in a 100 degree room when you are trying to hold onto all of your nutrients/ hydration because you have hyperemesis gravidarum.  So goodbye yoga!  And yes, I know you are thinking “Doesn’t she have an 18 month old?  She could have gone back to yoga by now”…to which I say, screw that.  Any extra time I have on my hands is now spent sleeping or eating, especially now that I am pregnant again (I know, who plans this shit?!)….but that is okay.  Because this will be the last one.  FOR SURE.  So maybe in a year or two I will get my yoga back.  By then, I’ll probably want it back.

Anyhow, hypocrite or not, I head over to the babysitter’s house to get Kenzie a few weeks back.  It’s about 5:05 when I get there.  Kenzie always runs from me when I get there.  She looks really happy and excited that I am there, but then runs straight in the other direction.  Right after I walk in, another Dad walks in.  We will call him Dan.  Dan says, “Sorry I’m a little late, I had to get my cardio in”….  You guys, I almost laughed in his face because I thought he was joking around like how Fat Amy talked about cardio on Pitch Perfect.  Luckily, I did not laugh.  He was dead serious.  He and his wife work out at the gym together and even pay for a trainer.  Holy hell!  I could think of one hundred better things to do with your money than pay a trainer to make you work out.  Pizza and cupcakes are at the top of that list.  I mean, I get winded walking up our stairs at home.  But that’s just me.

And now I’m off to eat some Halloween candy.  I can’t wait til Kenzie is old enough to go trick-or-treating so I can steal her candy the way my parents stole mine.  “Here, have this quinoa bar instead, and I will have the Reese’s since you don’t want your teeth to rot..”