Implode

Do you ever feel like your life is going to implode?   Some days, I wish a truck would take me out in one big swoop.

Every day has somehow gotten progressively worse than the day before.  I know there is an end in sight (we have chosen a new babysitter who we started with last Tuesday), but I feel like my life is always going to be like this and it’s only going to get worse when we add another kid.

I know my hormones are out of whack.  I know I’ve been thrown some curve balls that are out of the ordinary.  I know we are still trying to get settled in our new house.  All of these things compiled are driving me to the nut house.

This morning, it was Kenzie throwing a tantrum because she didn’t want to wear the outfit that I let her pick out the night before.  Yes, you read that right.  She fucking picked out the outfit!  And then her complaint was that she wanted to wear ALL THE CLOTHES.  I gave her the option to choose between two outfits for her Valentine’s Day party at school.  So I must have misunderstood when she picked one, she meant EVERYTHING.  She wanted to go to school like Joey wearing ALL of Chandler’s clothes.  WTF.

I had woken up extra early to finish putting her valentines together.  This year, we did scratch and sniff valentines that she wrote her name on herself, and then colored a pretty picture on each envelope.  Then, I tied a container of Silly Putty to each envelope.  I thought it was going to be a good day.  Then the girls wake up.  They start sneezing and coughing.  They both get pissed when they are congested and can’t breathe so kicking and screaming and crying ensue.

I need to figure something out.

Here we are, the next week, and nothing has gotten better.  I cried a decent amount last night, after the kids fell asleep.  Then I couldn’t sleep for hours because I kept thinking about what a shitshow everything has turned into.

Kenzie once again did not want to wear what I asked her to wear this morning.  She threw the outfit and then kicked and hit me with a stuffed animal.  You guys, I almost lost it.  I had to walk away.  We were already late because she didn’t want to listen.  Maddy was standing downstairs acting perfect with her jacket on.  It’s always one of them that has to push it.  I collapsed in the bathroom crying.  Trying to decide if I should just give in and take a day off.  Maybe just quit my job.  At some point, I snapped out of it and got the girls in the car.

Now just to keep things interesting, Maddy has been fighting a cold since last week.  I was worried about her lungs and ears, so I thought I’d bring her in for a quick doctor’s appt on Monday afternoon to see if her ears were infected or if there was any wheezing in her lungs (she had pneumonia once before, so I always worry when I hear her cough getting worse).  She had been waking herself up coughing, and it scares me.  So the doctor checked her ears and lungs.  No fever at all, so no need to check for flu or strep.  All clear.  Just another virus (can’t even tell you how many times they’ve quoted that to me).  Fast forward to Tuesday night.  She’s crying telling me her left ear hurts horribly.  I feel her forehead and take her temp.  103.  1-0-fucking-3.   So I give her Tylenol and lay with her until she’s ready to eat something (she took no interest in dinner).  I called first thing Wednesday morning (another day I had to take from work, aka my maternity leave which will be non-existent when I have babe 3) and got her in at 10 a.m.

Oh look at that.  BOTH OF HER EARS ARE INFECTED NOW.  So much for preventative maintenance.  Cue the crying again (just me, this time – both girls were great during the doctor visits and going back home).

We’re on the mend now, I sincerely hope.  My mom has both girls today.  I figured if Maddy was still in pain, I wanted her to be cuddled and loved on, and new babysitter can’t do that with 15 other kids.

I wish I could drink.  I just want one beer.  Like a Corona with two limes.  Dear husband won’t allow it even though my OB said one drink every now and then is not bad.   PS: I’m not an alcoholic.

Sorry for the never-ending rant.  I know it’s not the end of the world and things could be worse (LOL).  So I cry and wait for my life to implode.  That’s what us moms do, right?

Babysitter Blues

So, I got a call from our in-home babysitter Monday night.  She got some bad medical news.  Her doctor advised her to stop working immediately, as she should be lifting anything (including kids/ babies).  Cut to Tuesday.  I brought the girls to work with me from 10 until 2.  You can only keep a 4 and 2 year old busy in an office for so long before shit starts to go down.

To say I am upset is an understatement.  I’ve been crying on and off every night.  I wake up and I hope that it was just a nightmare.  This woman has become part of our family, and even like a second mom to me.  She has had the insane task of bringing up my two girls.  She basically potty trained them.  She is a way better mom than I am.

I have two interviews set up for Friday.  One woman currently watches 15 kids.  AT HER HOUSE.  So that’s concerning, but I have to remember that some of those kids go to school during the day.  The woman seemed older, which isn’t necessarily bad, but also just concerning to take care of that many kids.  She said she has help, but I’ll need to find out who is helping her, too.

The second interview seems like someone who randomly decided to start babysitting on the side.  She only has two kids right now.  She said her husband is around to help most of the time.  Which begs the question…what does he do for a living?  Why are you both able to be home all the time?

I have also called a day care that came highly recommended.  All ages have “very long” waiting lists.  So forget that.

And Kenzie starts kindergarten next year IN ANOTHER STATE, so I’ll have to either find after care for her or someone else who can pick her up before I get home with the other kids.  Like seriously, who has a life like this?  What the fuck?

You guys, I am so close to quitting my job.  It seems like the only option.  If we wouldn’t have just built a house, and didn’t have another baby on the way, and didn’t need to buy a new car to be able to fit three fucking car seats in, maybe I would be in a better place to do so.  I just don’t know what to do.  Or, maybe I take FMLA now for a little while so I can figure shit out, only to take more FMLA later after baby is born?

Even if I did end up liking one of the potential candidates enough, could I really just throw my kids into this person’s care for 40 hours per week?  How would I expect my kids to be comfortable with them?  I’d want to slowly start them like maybe two days per week to see how things go.  And what if it doesn’t work out?  I am back in the same place.

I am just so sad.  It’s all I can think about at work, when I try to fall asleep, when I wake up.  I need a miracle or to win the lottery.  Either will do.