This will be a relatively quick post for right now. And I will continue with the birth story for Mack – don’t worry.
Basically, postpartum hormones/ depression is no fucking joke. I know my hormones are all out of balance and whatever, but for the third time in a week, I just burst into tears in front of Mike. He doesn’t get it. He thinks something must be wrong (like a root cause), but I keep telling him I do not know what is wrong. I think it’s a mix of everything. I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Baby girl still isn’t gaining weight. She’s not losing anything, but she’s not gaining. This makes me question if something is wrong with my breast milk or if I am not feeding her as often as I should, even though I feed her on demand, like her ped told me. And I feel like I suck as a mother (am I talking to her enough? am I soothing her enough? am I reading to her enough? am I singing enough?).
And then I think about childcare and how I couldn’t even fathom the thought of someone else (other than family and close friends) babysitting her once I have to go back to work. I am seriously ready to quit my job. My mom has agreed to take baby girl two days a week (she is even taking an extra day off every week just to make it work), and then I have no idea what to do for the other three days. That in itself makes me want to cry. I will not put her into day care where there are other kids at this point. As a new mom, I feel that (selfishly, I’m sure) all the attention should be on her (when she’s not sleeping). Like, I worry about her sitting in a wet or dirty diaper for too long, or crying for milk. It kills me.
Hubby thought I was mad/ crying because he was going to the Cubs game for the remainder of our future-brother-in-law’s bachelor party. OF COURSE it would have been nice if he stayed home, but I know he needed to be there. He’s going to be family.
Anyhow, I’m not depressed. I’m just having a hard time adjusting. I knew it was going to be life changing, but there is just no real way to prepare for this in your life. Especially when baby girl was a month early.
It’s a beautiful day today, so I’m going to take baby girl out for a walk after she eats again. I think maybe the sun will help. And The Cure.